Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Operation Squishy Santa

Today I launched my first military operation titled Operation Squishy Santa. We work two 12 hour shifts in my section in order to have 24 hour operations. When I came in to start my shift today I could tell there was some pretty thick tension in the air. We work in a room about 10 foot by 6 foot and there's usually anywhere from 2 to 6 people in there at a time not to mention all the equipment. Oh yeah, there aren't any windows either? Anyway, it's not hard to get on someone's nerves after 12 hours of that. Sensing the tension at the shift change I decided to implement Operation Squishy Santa.

Over the Holidays everyone and their brother sent care packages which were greatly appreciated. One item that has been floating around our office, and I use the term office lightly, is a little foam Santa ball. You know the little foam balls they give you to squeeze when you give blood. It's like one of those. I thought it would lighten the mood if when someone wanted to talk to me they had to talk to Squishy Santa and he would relay the message to me. As Operation Squishy Santa unfolded it quickly became an abysmal failure. However, the Squishy Santa ball is now a highly coveted item in my section. I thought in this blog I'd share some of the failures of Operation Squishy Santa with the hope they might help anyone wishing to plan their own military operations in the future.

Here is a list of failures associated with Operation Squishy Santa.

1. My superiors do not think it's funny when Squishy Santa answers questions directed at me.

2. Just because you have a Squishy Santa in your pocket doesn't mean you can ask everyone in the chow hall if they'd like to sit on your lap.

3. Trying to explain to the people in the chow hall that it's O.K. because you have a Squishy Santa in your pocket does not help the situation.

4. Offering to show them the Squishy Santa in your pocket helps even less.

5. The MPs don't think it's funny if I sit in the passengers seat and let Squishy Santa drive the Humvee through the check point.

6. Squishy Santa is not authorized to declare Jihad on the infidels.

7. Although the real Santa may be Omniscient, Squishy Santa is not and therefore should not be used for predictive analysis.

8. "Hey man, would you like to see my Squishy Santa?" is not the proper salutation for my Brigade Commander (a 1 Star General).

9. "Hold on, Let me ask Squishy Santa" is not the proper response to the question, "Sergeant, have you completely lost your military bearing?"

10. Squishy Santa is not authorized to relieve me of guard duty even if I do leave my weapon for him to use.

11. "What Would Squishy Santa Do" is not the new Army Motto.

12. "Come here and tell Squishy Santa all about it" is not an Army approved medical treatment for battle related stress.

13. I still have to listen to my superiors even if I do think that my Squishy Santa can beat up their Squishy Santa.

14. Bouncing Squishy Santa off of my lieutenant's head is not considered P.T. (physical training)

15. Nor does it have anything to do with "sharpening my marksmanship skills"

Unfortunately there weren't really any successes I can share with you. It did make the day go by quicker and got a few laughs. Hopefully you learned from some of my mistakes in this operation and are better prepared to plan your own in the future.

Squishy Santa Posted by Hello


Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL -- I'm glad to see you're maintaining your sense of humor - and, I say that to support the notion that you haven't lost your mind. :-)

I'm sure your efforts to instill a little levity into such a tense environment was appreciated - even if the appreciation wasn't shown openly. To be on the safe side, you probably need to hide Squishy Santa away so he isn't captured by infiltrators lacking those necessary humorous characteristics. Neeny

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could not post a comment on this one. You are hillarious. Even with out your one-liner bf.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would imagine the turn out for the rousing game of "squishy santa says" did not go over too well, but I bet it would be pretty easy for squishy santa to break through the line in red rover.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quick - say "Squishy Santa" 10 times fast. :-) Mel

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope Squishy Santa had as much fun as you did. Or more fun than your superiors anyway. You are hilarious! Glad to hear your sense of humor is intact. M. Pads Coach

12:43 PM  

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