Tuesday, March 08, 2005

If You Can't Laugh at Yourself.....

You know the old saying If You Can't Laugh at Yourself blah blah blah. Well, I wrestled with posting or not posting this one. It one of those that if you hear it about someone else it's hilarious, but if it's you it just sucks rocks. Well, it's a little funny. Anyway here goes.

You know about the port-o-podies so I don't have to set much up there. The setting does need a little set up though. Picture middle of the desert, middle of the night, pitch black, almost asleep.

It was getting toward the end of my shift tonight and the computers weren't working. I decided to take the time to visit one of the port-o-podies. As I learned in a previous lesson I used my little flashlight upon entering the port-o-pody. All was clear so I continued on with the mission at hand. I sat there, did my business, hummed a few tunes, Yada Yada Yada, the usual. When I was done I stood up and pulled my pants up. When I did I heard a faint but distinct "ker plunk". Curious, that doesn't usually happen. I wonder what that could be. I had been carrying my digital camera in my front pocket which I don't usually do. I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. I frantically felt my pockets thinking my camera had fallen into the abyss. No, the camera was still there, as was the flashlight and my memory stick. Hmm, must have been my imagination. I buckled my belt and started out the door. I have this little ritual I do when I leave a place. I pat my front pocket to feel for my keys, and I pat my back pocket to feel for my OH CRAP, MY WALLET. NO NO NO NO. I ran back into the port-o-pody flashlight blazing and peered into the place nobody ever want to put their hand. History will only tell if the next event was fortunate or unfortunate, but some one before me had left a large squishy pile right in the middle of the tank. There, scoffing at me, was about one inch of black nylon and velcro. Life slowed to a stop. If the wallet had fallen even one inch further in any direction it would have sunk to the bottom. I was staring down into a dark hole of human sludge engulfing my wallet and all of my identification. Oh No, my ID. If you lose your military ID in a hostile foreign country you're in deep doo doo (pun intended). There was no question about it, I had to go in, it was slowly sinking. Throwing caution to the wind I reached into the pile of unmentionable and retrieved my soggy wallet. I didn't really care about the cash, but I couldn't let anyone find my ID and my Credit Card. I plopped the wallet down on the little ledge and pulled out about 52 miles of toilet paper from the roll. I carefully opened the wallet and extracted my ID and Credit Cards. The pictures were ruined but the money was dry. So as of right now I have a cargo pocket full of things you'd find in a wallet. It's over you say? Not even close. I'm standing there with a wallet full of crap and blue fingers. How am I going to walk out of this with a modicum of dignity. There's only one answer. Ditch the wallet. So, with a quick remorseful flick of the wrist, I pitched the wallet back into the deep blue and wrapped the pictures up in toilet paper. I tried to scrub my fingertips as much as possible and then got the heck out of there. They have little dispensers with that hand sanitizer stuff in them attached to the outside of the port-o-podies. Well, the one where I was in now empty.

There it is. I suppose in a few days it will seem funny, but right now I've got to come up with a wallet. I'm sure I'll find one somewhere. I do have some ziplocks.

I also updated the photo album. I added a page for Camp Mahmudiah.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you shared that one. Boys and bathroom humor. You did say you aren't laughing yet. My Mr. will be. What about one of those wonderfully authentic NICE wallets? CnH

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so-o-o sorry. PTL you caught the sound. Guess that's why you have to pass a hearing test to get into the Army. Wasn't exactly a "fox hole" story, but close enough!zm

7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe next time you should empty your pockets and lay all personal effects on the floor so this problem doesn't happen again. Can they take another picture of you for your wallet? Hope it all works out. Did they ever fix your heating/air conditioning unit? TM

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a crappy story. I'm not sure what your shoveling, but you're standing waist deep in it. That story doesn't even smell right. Anyway, I was making bread yesterday and the dough was too large to go in the pan so I had to pinch off a loaf. Then I went to help a friend with his plumbing problem. He needed help laying some pipe. He had a bunch a large pieces left over, so we went to the dump. Then we read that the Star Trek convention was in town so he went as a Klingon. The mask made him look constipated though, it was an irregular size. I know you like the middle eastern Snickers, but have you tried the Cowpies?

Anyway, if you posted only stories about port-o-podies for the rest of your time there, that would be fine with me. CnH's Mr

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks, you again tickled me down to the core. I love your personal description of unique episodes in your life. You may not have been laughing then, but you're going to love it later. Your war stories are priceless and when you get you'll keep people in stitches. Blessings indeed! PF

6:00 PM  

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